10 months now :)
I’m tagging cleavage and love.
I am slowly drifting away from the sea of graduates that I should’ve been included in. I will not be wearing a blue graduation dress, crying whilst listening to our speakers’ messages, and holding my grandma’s hands as we walk up to the stage.
I will not be graduating next year. I won’t probably graduate anytime soon.
I was never great but I knew I had potential.
During my elementary and high school days, I always knew that I could write - I could write well. No one actually paid attention to me because I was beyond weird. I was eccentric.They all thought I was just boasting.
I knew I could write but I didn’t know how to write properly. I always gave in to the idea that though I was able to write, I would never be a writer because I reasoned to myself that I’d never be as good as my colleagues when it comes to writing. I made myself believe that there’s a “quota” that I needed to reach before I could call myself competent.
It was in my third year in high school that I realized I had potential. I was never a diligent student and had only a handful of people who believed in me. That, combined with my nega-realistic outlook, made me the passive kid that I was. During the last week of our fourth grading period in third year high, my English teacher called me to her office and scolded me for not passing any theme write-up for the last grading period. She told me that this was going to affect my grades. I didn’t care until she actually said that I was such a waste. She explained that I am great in writing but was always to lazy to comply with the requirements. For someone who’s as hopeless as I was back then, I took her pity as a compliment.I spend the whole afternoon writing two write-ups and rewriting them afterwards. My output was clearly due weeks ago and I was only holding on to the idea that my teacher would just let me pass with 75 marks on my record.
She rated my write-ups 99 and 100 for their rewritten copy. I craved to write from then on.
So why didn’t I join our high school publication?
I didn’t apply for our pub back then because I realized that most of their staff are student leaders and achievers. I told myself that I would never be at par with them.
In college, I took a chance and went with my passion. I am now taking up a degree in Journalism.
I didn’t plan to join the college pub in my first year because, again, I thought I’d never measure up to the staff’s standards.
It was when Budyong, our college pub, needed a substitute for their photojournalist that I saw an opportunity. I was going to be a substitute for Sir Earl Epson Lim Recamunda because he went to Korea for an educational grant.
I became their substitute photojournalist.
During my first year of stay in Budyong, I realized that everyone’s really good. I was afraid that they’ll eventually realize that my skills were mediocre and that I really didn’t want to be a photojournalist because I didn’t even know how to take decent photographs. I wanted to write and I wanted to tell them. But because I saw them as really great writers, I didn’t have the guts to do so.
I was about quit the publication for good then I remembered what one of my editors told me, “Okay lang na walang camera. Di yan nasusukat sa camera, nasa humahawak yan.”
I gave photojournalism a try. I liked it eventually.
In my second year in college, I continued to serve Budyong as one of their photojournalists. I joined a regional journalism contest and won second place (13th RTSPC). My potentials were confirmed - I was good at something.
My pub let me write feature articles for their printed issues. As far as I can remember, my first written contribution aside from photo captions, was for Puguli ako, a satirical, blind-item-ish feature section. I also started writing album reviews for their iTuned and beliefs for B***S***.
I also started drawing again during my second year. Cheesy as it may sound, I started to draw because of someone I liked in our publication. Yes, it’s Leo Sirios Jr. and yes, he’s now my boyfriend.
I still thought that I was mediocre but I had more confidence now.
In my third year, I took Budyong’s editorial board exam (EdBoard exam). I wasn’t able to finish the exam but surprisingly, I passed and became their Managing Editor. I thought that if I was going to pass, I would be their Desk Editor or maybe, they would just appoint me as Head Photojournalist.
I know everyone was surprised.
I could write. I am good at writing. I can draw, photograph, sing, dance, and do other things. But above all, I knew I could write.
Upon our EIC’s resignation, I became the Associate Editor of Budyong.
I was a photojournalist who became an Editor. But inspiring as it may sound, I also wondered if the staff saw potential in me. When there were new applicants who had potential, they would usually point out that they did. I wonder if they also knew that I had potential. Would they have encouraged me to take up the Edboard exam? Or was it just me being over confident that I had a chance? I didn’t know my value until I took this year’s Edboard exam of The Bicol Universitarian (Unibe), our university’s publication.
They all expected me to become an editor of Budyong.
Since I knew that they would just get by without me, I never thought that I was such a lost to them than them being a lost to me. My batch, the one my seniors used to refer to as “The Potentials” is going to run the next class. I believe that they could do it since the great people I look up to, look up to them. I wonder if anyone actually thought I had such potential. If I never believed in myself, if I never had the guts, I would never be where I am today.
I have always wondered since the day they talked to me about my application for Unibe and one of them told me that “Syempre, pag Camille Regala, ang iisipon ninda Budyong. Ano nalang an iisipon ninda pag naglipat ka? Na habo mo na sa Budyong?”
I wonder if my skills will ever be of the same worth as my name. I am not famous. I am not influential. But they all said I had a name. I believe that I didn’t, but I knew I had skills.
I realized that they had plans for Budyong and it included me. I felt sad because it was too late. I also felt sad because it was too late for everyone. If only I had expressed my thoughts before. If only they only heard my visions.
No, I was never a leader. I was never an “Editor”, I was a member. I worked better as a member for them.
They may never understand my reasons for my application for Unibe but I now know that I am of value to them. Maybe that’s how things work. You appreciate them when they’re no longer yours.
But truth be told, I am thankful to Budyong. They are the reason why I am writing, why I am close to my dream of being a one-man publication. Budyong is my family and will always be. I just wish they don’t see my decision as an act of betrayal. I never had any malicious intent for leaving and by definition, it’s not betrayal. Yes, I turned my back but not “against” them. I know that they will do well, they have a pool of potential editors, writers and artists.
It’s now time for me to share what I have learned from them to the students of Bicol University.
I was never an editor because I didn’t aim to lead. I was never good at assigning beats to writers and reprimanding them when they weren’t able to submit their articles on time but I was good at helping them. I wanted to inspire not lead. I hope I was able to do so in my 3-year stay in Budyong.
That is why I will never be able to embody the typical essence of an “editor.” I am just a member but I knew I could help people. I’m content with that. I wish people would remember my name as an inspiration and not as a placeholder. I know I could do that.
I know Budyong will do great. They always do. I believe in them. I proud to say that I am a product of Budyong. I could say that I didn’t learn from my school, I learned from them.
And yes, I passed Unibe’s EdBoard exam.
I am now the new Copy Editor of The Bicol Universitarian, our university publication.
- 11:25 pm
It’s been a while since I last posted an entry here.
Graduation’s just around the corner and everyone seems excited about it.
I’m happy but I’m not excited.
People will leave and will inevitably forget about me.
Distance, for me, doesn’t help in any relationship.
People may not forget but they’ll have a hard time remembering everything.
I am afraid that everything will be different.
I am happy for him.
He has so many plans and thinks of doing most of them after graduation.
He’s still young and I know he’s got everything planned.
I doubt that I am included in his plans.
We once had a misunderstanding that lead to the idea of a break up.
There was no hesitation in his voice when he said the following words to me,
"Sige na, Camille. Kung ayaw mo na saakin, okay lang."
I, being the stupid person that I am, just told him that he was being too dramatic and “jologs”.
I jokingly asked him that if I broke up with him at that time, would he chase after me.
He coldly replied, “No.”
He had said similar lines to me before. He wouldn’t chase after me because he thinks that there’s no point in doing so.
I already knew that he wasn’t going to fight for me but I stubbornly disregarded his insensitive statements and made extreme efforts to make him feel loved instead.
I made a handwritten “I love you!” message on a banner made up of taped bond papers on our 9th month.
He told me that I shouldn’t have done that and that I should never do that again.
He told me that in front of our friends.
I felt embarrassed but I only blamed myself.
I thought my message was poorly written or that I had embarassed him with my message.
I blamed myself.
I wish I hadn’t but I still did.
I have this feeling that I’m the only one holding on to our relationship.
I’m afraid that he’ll give up on us or maybe get bored with me, soon.
I wish he loves me.
I hope he still does.
Because, I do.
I love him so much.
I now trust him.
No chances to be taken.
I just trust him.
Had fun being with the bu newsletter and documentation team during the Regional Higher Education Summit 2013.
PR wala sa oras.
- 11:23 pm
You are drifting away.
Slowly moving away. And yet you are in front of me.
I try to reach out. I try to be near to you as often as I could. Yet, you are subconsciously pulling away.
There are little things that bother me. Little things that shouldn’t even be given much thought.
I over think when you forget your promises. Be it a hug or a high five. When you say that you’ll do them but end up forgetting, it kills me. The little hopes hurt me the most.
I feel useless when you’re sad and I try to cheer you up by hugging or buying you food and you overlook at my efforts. I don’t expect you to feel okay immediately, neither do I expect you to ignore me.
You lie. I know you do. You keep things from me. I understand. It’s fine. But I still feel disappointed. I need to be honest with myself and with you.
These days, when we’re talking, we don’t even “talk”. Most of our conversations are detached. I will say something about fries and you’ll just respond with “Oh?” or just giggle and start a different conversation. You talk to your phone more than you do with me.
I know I’m just over thinking. I know that what I’m thinking is pathetic, but I think lying to myself would be more idiotic.
I get disappointed because I expect too much.
I expect too much because I trust you.
I trust you because I love you.
Love isn’t a one way process. I hope you know that.
But I’m just a little bit paranoid. And I’m sorry for being so.
Still, if you keep pulling further, I won’t let you go. You’re the best person that I have ever had. Why would I just let you go?
I love you. I hope you know.